So, I was getting antsy because I didn’t officially have the job in writing yet, and I put in my notice at my current job. So I emailed my nurse recruiter to let her know I had applied for my multi state compact Alabama license and I was getting the ball rolling. Her response shook me. She informed me that there was one position left. and that more could open later, but that I could look in other departments/locations too and she would help me. Ya see, They told me they wanted to give me the job, but I couldn’t accept it 6 months before hand, so I waited…and now………………Cue Anxiety. WHAT? Look at other places? I put my notice in, God this is not a funny joke….
But instead of freaking out, I just talked to God. For once I didn’t go to anyone else. I didn’t talk it out with anyone. I just talked to God. And it’s weird, but everything in me told me to ‘be anxious and scared’ and ‘maybe this isn’t a good idea’, and ‘there is no stability in this’. But Then I had that Jesus peace again, That I can’t understand. I knew I hadn’t been in the word lately, and in that moment it was like I knew I needed to be. Not because it’s the “good Christian thing to do”, but because when life gets derailed, there is ONLY one anchor that I need. Life is hard. Nothing is really set in stone. except the only constant one. who never changes. And I need him. So I just talked to God, and got in the word, and just spent time getting to know him more. and He gave me his peace and reminded me that I said “yes” to him. So I’m holding to that, even if its not what I want or think should happen.
“We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain,” _ Hebrews 6:19. ESV
So I was at peace, If He wanted to do something else, ok! I said yes.
Turns out, the next day they contacted me to tell me they want me for the position, and I can accept! (it is ok that I can’t start until April. )
So, today (1/27/2020) I officially accepted my position!!! I am super sick and horse, but When they called me, I squeaked “YES!” (pending the health screens, and Compact state license approval), YAY!!! It’s official!!!! 🙂
I just cannot brag on Jesus enough. This whole roller coaster has been so cool to watch. I can’t wait to see how it all unfolds. And it also reminded me that this is going to be hard. Its definitely going to stretch me as a person, and in my faith. But I have an anchor. <3.
“Now Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about the things we do not see” Hebrews 11:1 NIV.
If I knew everything, I wouldn’t need faith. But Knowing Jesus is so much greater and we will never know every outcome. But We have an anchor.
******
I also have a roommate!!!!! WHAT!
So, I posted on this Facebook page for Charlotte housing: Just asking for recommendations on where to live my budget, what I wanted in a home, etc. Well, This girl named Kelsey messaged me. She told me she was looking for a roommate in April. She told me all about her, she sounded great! and totally normal (you know random roommates can be scary). She goes to church, works in health care, and did cross-fit. I told her I had to pray about it and think on it because I didn’t really want to do the whole roommate thing. (to be honest, I was dealing with fear again. )
So I was thinking, and praying, and talking it out to people. Charlotte is so expensive, and I could live in a better area/more central/get the full experience/safer/ not as much financial stress/ not be alone as much because I know the tunnel I can go in with my depression. But…a roommate? Aren’t I supposed to trust God with all of these things? Trust that he will give me all that i need. Right?
I was talking to my friend Lauren at work, and I couldn’t put it into words, but maybe God uses more than just “God” to do his work. Maybe he uses worldly things sometimes too? People even? Lauren asked me if I had ever heard the story of the man on the roof. I hadn’t, so she proceeded to tell me:
The town was flooding, and This man was standing on his roof to get out of the flood. He was talking to God and God told him that He was going to save him! He believed God. So when a boat came up to his roof to save him, The man said “No No No, I’m good, God is going to same me”. The boat left. Then a plane came to the roof to save him. He turned the plane away too, “No, I’m fine, God is going to save me”. Well, soon enough, the man drowned and died. When he got to heaven he was like “WHAT?? I thought you were going to save me God?!?!” (Like any of us would….) And then God responded “I tried, I sent you a boat. And I sent you a plane… You turned it all away.”
The story Lauren was telling me was putting all of my thoughts into words! I have been putting God into a box. Only allowing him to give me my answered prayers in the way I think it will go. The “More Godly way” the “more sacrificial way”. I was only accepting his help by Him and his supernatural-ness. (for lack of better word). (Just to be clear, I belive 100% That He CAN do it that way too! The point is I was limiting HIM).
So, maybe God uses people, things, the world he placed us in to actually fulfill his word and show his love to us. God is an active God. He has proven that time and time again. So why do I limit him to what I think he can do. Because he can do , SO much more…
Lord, I am sorry for limiting you. Putting you in this box of mine like I know everything about you already… I know your love for me, but I don’t know your limits. and actually you don’t have any. So why am i giving you some. Like you’re human or something.. You have put certain people in my life at certain times for certain reasons. Some I have figured out, some i haven’t. But why would you place us on this earth and not use everything around us to be active. You are a “hands on” God. Wow… Help me to let you use anything and everything for your good. And help me know the difference. I think I’m scared I’m going to fall for the enemy’s tricks, thinking its you. And I think I’m scared I’m going to mess something up… I’ve made a lot of mistakes. and I don’t like to get in trouble. I guess fear is getting to me again. So give me discernment, help me know you so much that I know your voice in a whisper. That I KNOW KNOW KNOW your voice against everyone else. I said Yes to you. whatever that means. And I a choosing everyday to trust you. You are so good to me. so trustworthy, so real with me. So sensitive to my heart. and my fears and worries and thoughts. You know me. and your plan has 10000000% ALWAYS been better than mine, even when it didn’t feel like it at the time. Not everyone keeps my trust, so It’s hard for my human mind to fathom someone who will never hurt me. But that someone is you. and you have met me in a broken place and graciously and gently helped me back up, Not forced me, but loved my insecurities away. Like no one has ever truly done before. And it wasn’t a one time thing. You are my only constant. So, this is not a forced surrender. This is a loving surrender. ❤ Thank you for loving me, thank you for staying with me and never leaving. Thank you for knowing me and still choosing to keep me. Amen.
*****
So, I told her the story, and we decided to look into being each other’s roommate!
And I’m praying for whatever the Lord has for us. and just now, writing this, I finally understand “your will be done”…
It was always scary to me, because we don’t KNOW. How can you pray for someone else’s ideas to control your every aspect in life and be “ok” with handing over that power? But when you experience the realness of His love for you as a specific love, you gain the realization that His Will IS ACTUALLY Good. and I don’t know how to explain the peace that comes from it. Becuase that’s WAYYYY beyond my understanding… and Just you reading this, you may be saying “YES LORD!” which is so exciting!! but until you meet the Lord in a personal way, It may always be a struggle to hand over that power. truly surrender. Especially in today’s day in age… ( I won’t get into that because its not the point), But if you are reading this, My prayer for you is this…
Lord, As these eyes read these words, speak to the heart. This is my story, which is unique to you and me. So Please Lord, Meet this person exactly where they are. The good, bad, and the ugly, and show them your unique, personal, unconditional, strange, and true love for them. And don’t just let it be a moment. Let it be the start of forever. the start of the rest of their life. Knowing you. and knowing who they get to be through you. Give them all of you. and help them actually trust that they have the real you, and all of you. It doesn’t happen over night. It doesn’t happen over a week. It’s an ongoing relationship. I just thank you so so so much for being such a hands on father. Not everyone has a father that they can feel love from. So also, I’m so so so thankful that you are NOT human. My prayer is that these words would reach deeper, mean more, and open up a curiosity. Thank you that because you are hands on, and you do use anyone, thank you that you’re using me. The ups and downs we have been through, the realness and rawness of this story. I will share my personal stories because It shows you! So let them see you Lord. I know that is your heart for the person that is reading this, because you thought of them on that cross.. and you are a loving God. Thank you for them, and their future. Amen.
Your Love Is Strong 