Chapter 7: Expectations

So, February has come and gone… Dixie and I went to Charlotte to meet Kelsey! 

Honestly,I was a really good trip, and a really hard trip. 

I’ll explain what I mean… 

Day one: 4am wake up call. 6 hour drive with a car-anxious pup.. I am SO excited when I see Charlotte, because its like WHOA GOD LOOK WHERE YOU BROUGHT ME FROM!!! and now in less than 4 months I’ll be calling this place “home”!! 
Kelsey and I meet, and hit it off! Shes awesome! we are SO different… but it’s a good different! Long story short, we tour all these houses and apartments and i am SO BUMMBED by the end of the day… 1. I’m hormonal, 2. I’m exhausted 3. Dixie is exhausted so shes not really listening very well, and that’s our first impression…..  4. the apartments were wayyyy out of budget when it got down to it… 5. the house I love will be off the market before we are able to sign 6. I had higher expectations for today. This was my only chance to come to Charlotte and I wanted to find a home. 

…..In this whole process, I KNOW I have to spend time with the Lord. My Anxiety level shoots WAY up when I don’t… so I know this!!! but I haven’t been because I’ve been super busy (excuses…) So that, plus all of the above, = melt down. I mean… Look at all that negativity! I am not a negative person. Nor am I a person to complain…
I’m sitting in my airbnb room with my exhausted puppy passed out next to me… Just crying. I was definitly letting the enemy get to me… It was working… I started questioning God. “Do you reallllllly want me to come? What am I doing? This is dumb..I don’t fit here. I didn’t find anything. I can’t be here alone… This is a mistake…”


and it turned into “Lord I don’t know what I’m doing , I just need you…” So I spent the rest of the night crying with the Lord and eventually shut out the enemy and focused on the Lord again. 
I felt much better after time well spent, and sleep! 

So..Day 2: I decided to go to the elevation church closest to my favorite coffee place… I took the train into Uptown. Got a coffee and walked to church. I don’t know how to describe it in words….. I have never cried as much, lifted my hands as much, felt the Lord as much in a sermon as that sermon!! It was a guest speaker, If you have never heard Bishop T.D Jakes preach, GO LISTEN. because WOW. and The Lord BLEW ME AWAY! Everything was straight from God’s heart to my ears!  EXACTLY what I needed with the Lord that day…. I mean…WOW.

Has that ever happened to you?? Where you’re like OK GOD, I KNOW you’ve been listening!! because LITERALLY everything that I’ve been going through!! WHEW! And it lasted 2 hours! haha we had no idea it ran over because of How amazing God was being in there!! But yup… got there at 11:30, and left at 1:40 haha!! So good…. And not only was the sermon good. the Worship was exactly what I needed to get to that sweet place with the Lord. 

AND the people were amazing!! Right off the bat, I met a girl who told me to meet with her after the service. She introduced me to some people and got my number. She has since texted me about getting coffee when I move there! before I left, I went to the welcome tent, There I met a girl named Chelsea. She was so inviting and genuine. She asked about my reason for moving, I told her the short version haha…. but I told her It was important for me to get plugged in because I need community. This random amazing stranger, took my number and invited me to her small group that  night!! WHAT So, I met 4 other girls and a super cute pup  that night! The girls were real. They weren’t putting on a show, they shared struggles, and laughs, and were very interested in my randomness. They were excited for me! and Proud of me for listening to the Lord. They were  blown away by God! and They just showed me so much love. They made me feel a LOT better about moving too! So Now I have some girlfriends that love Jesus! and I can’t wait to move up there and start doing life with all these beautiful people! 
AND Kelsey took me to a super yummy mexican food place!! (total necessity for me) So..GREAT DAY
God taught me a lot with that weekend…. The bad day, was a reminder that this is going to be hard…. That I still need Jesus… That my expectations for something need to line up with God’s vision for it, or they’ll always be let down. and that I need to learn how to praise him in the bad moments too… 
The Good day taught me, God still cares!He is actively putting people in my path to plan out my steps. He has a plan!  
Since then, Kelsey and I have found the perfect apartment! Literally came out of nowhere! I haven’t seen it in person, but I love the videos and feel so much peace about it. We have signed the lease! and I am officially moving April 24th! WEW!!

Chapter 6: His Will Is Actually Good

So, I was getting antsy because I didn’t officially have the job in writing yet, and I put in my notice at my current job. So I emailed my nurse recruiter to let her know I had applied for my multi state compact Alabama license and I was getting the ball rolling. Her response shook me. She informed me that there was one position left. and that more could open later, but that I could look in other departments/locations too and she would help me. Ya see, They told me they wanted to give me the job, but I couldn’t accept it 6 months before hand, so I waited…and now………………Cue Anxiety. WHAT? Look at other places? I put my notice in, God this is not a funny joke…. 

But instead of freaking out, I just talked to God. For once I didn’t go to anyone else. I didn’t talk it out with anyone. I just talked to God. And it’s weird, but everything in me told me to ‘be anxious and scared’ and ‘maybe this isn’t a good idea’, and ‘there is no stability in this’. But Then I had that Jesus peace again, That I can’t understand. I knew I hadn’t been in the word lately, and in that moment it was like I knew I needed to be. Not because it’s the “good Christian thing to do”, but because when life gets derailed, there is ONLY one anchor that I need. Life is hard. Nothing is really set in stone. except the only constant one. who never changes. And I need him. So I just talked to God, and got in the word, and just spent time getting to know him more. and He gave me his peace and reminded me that I said “yes” to him. So I’m holding to that, even if its not what I want or think should happen.  

“We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain,” _ Hebrews 6:19. ESV

So I was at peace, If He wanted to do something else, ok! I said yes. 

Turns out, the next day they contacted me to tell me they want me for the position, and I can accept! (it is ok that I can’t start until April. )

So, today (1/27/2020) I officially accepted my position!!! I am super sick and horse, but When they called me, I squeaked “YES!” (pending the health screens, and Compact state license approval), YAY!!! It’s official!!!! 🙂


I just cannot brag on Jesus enough. This whole roller coaster has been so cool to watch. I can’t wait to see how it all unfolds. And it also reminded me that this is going to be hard. Its definitely going to stretch me as a person, and in my faith. But I have an anchor. <3. 
“Now Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about the things we do not see” Hebrews 11:1 NIV.  
If I knew everything, I wouldn’t need faith. But Knowing Jesus is so much greater and we will never know every outcome. But We have an anchor. 

******


I also have a roommate!!!!! WHAT!

So, I posted on this Facebook page for Charlotte housing: Just asking for recommendations on where to live my budget, what I wanted in a home, etc. Well, This girl named Kelsey messaged me. She told me she was looking for a roommate in April. She told me all about her, she sounded great! and totally normal (you know random roommates can be scary). She goes to church, works in health care, and did cross-fit. I told her I had to pray about it and think on it because I didn’t really want to do the whole roommate thing. (to be honest, I was dealing with fear again. ) 
So I was thinking, and praying, and talking it out to people. Charlotte is so expensive, and I could live in a better area/more central/get the full experience/safer/ not as much financial stress/ not be alone as much because I know the tunnel I can go in with my depression. But…a roommate? Aren’t I supposed to trust God with all of these things? Trust that he will give me all that i need. Right? 


I was talking to my friend Lauren at work, and I couldn’t put it into words, but maybe God uses more than just “God” to do his work. Maybe he uses worldly things sometimes too? People even? Lauren asked me if I had ever heard the story of the man on the roof. I hadn’t, so she proceeded to tell me:


The town was flooding, and This man was standing on his roof to get out of the flood. He was talking to God and God told him that He was going to save him! He believed God. So when a boat came up to his roof to save him, The man said “No No No, I’m good, God is going to same me”. The boat left. Then a plane came to the roof to save him. He turned the plane away too, “No, I’m fine, God is going to save me”. Well, soon enough, the man drowned and died. When he got to heaven he was like “WHAT?? I thought you were going to save me God?!?!” (Like any of us would….) And then God responded “I tried, I sent you a boat. And I sent you a plane… You turned it all away.” 


The story Lauren was telling me was putting all of my thoughts into words! I have been putting God into a box. Only allowing him to give me my answered prayers in the way I think it will go. The “More Godly way” the “more sacrificial way”. I was only accepting his help by Him and his supernatural-ness. (for lack of better word). (Just to be clear, I belive 100% That He CAN do it that way too! The point is I was limiting HIM).

So, maybe God uses people, things, the world he placed  us  in to actually fulfill his word and show his love to us. God is an active God. He has proven that time  and time again. So why do I limit him to what I think he can do. Because he can do , SO much more… 


Lord, I am sorry for limiting you. Putting you in this box of mine like I know everything about you already… I know your love for me, but I don’t know your limits. and actually you don’t have any. So why am i giving you some. Like you’re human or something.. You have put certain people in my life at certain times for certain reasons. Some I have figured out, some i haven’t. But why would you place us on this earth and not use everything around us to be active. You are a “hands on” God. Wow… Help me to let you use anything and everything for your good. And help me know the difference. I think I’m scared I’m going to fall for the enemy’s tricks, thinking its you. And I think I’m scared I’m going to mess something up… I’ve made a lot of mistakes. and I don’t like to get in trouble. I guess fear is getting to me again. So give me discernment, help me know you so much that I know your voice in a whisper. That I KNOW KNOW KNOW your voice against everyone else. I said Yes to you. whatever that means. And I a choosing everyday to trust you. You are so good to me. so trustworthy, so real with me. So sensitive to my heart. and my fears and worries and thoughts. You know me. and your plan has 10000000% ALWAYS been better than mine, even when it didn’t feel like it at the time. Not everyone keeps my trust, so It’s hard for my human mind to fathom someone who will never hurt me. But that someone is you. and you have met me in a broken place and graciously and gently helped me back up, Not forced me, but loved my insecurities away. Like no one has ever truly done before. And it wasn’t a one time thing. You are my only constant. So, this is not a forced surrender. This is a loving surrender. ❤  Thank you for loving me, thank you for staying with me and never leaving. Thank you for knowing me and still choosing to keep me. Amen.  

*****

So, I told her the story, and we decided to look into being each other’s roommate!

And I’m praying for whatever the Lord has for us. and just now, writing this, I finally understand “your will be done”…

It was always scary to me, because we don’t KNOW. How can you pray for someone else’s ideas to control your every aspect in life and be “ok” with handing over that power? But when you experience the realness of His love for you as a specific love, you gain the realization that His Will IS ACTUALLY Good. and I don’t know how to explain the peace that comes from it. Becuase that’s WAYYYY beyond my understanding… and Just you reading this, you may be saying “YES LORD!” which is so exciting!! but until you meet the Lord in a personal way, It  may always be a struggle to hand over that power. truly surrender. Especially in today’s day in age… ( I won’t get into that because its not the point), But if you are reading this, My prayer for you is this… 


Lord, As these eyes read these words, speak to the heart. This is my story, which is unique to you and me. So Please Lord, Meet this person exactly where they are. The good, bad, and the ugly, and show them your unique, personal, unconditional, strange, and true love for them. And don’t just let it be a moment. Let it be the start of forever. the start of the rest of their life. Knowing you. and knowing who they get to be  through you. Give them all of you. and help them actually trust that they have the real you, and all of you. It doesn’t happen over night. It doesn’t happen over a week. It’s an ongoing relationship. I just thank you so so so much for being such a hands on father. Not everyone has a father that they can feel love from. So also, I’m so so so thankful that you are NOT human. My prayer is that these words would reach deeper, mean more, and open up a curiosity. Thank you that because you are hands on, and you do use anyone, thank you that you’re using me. The ups and downs we have been through, the realness and rawness of this story. I will share my personal stories because It shows you! So let them see you Lord. I know that is your heart for the person that is reading this, because you thought of them on that cross.. and you are a loving God. Thank you for them, and their future. Amen. 

Chapter 5: Loving Surrender

So, I have a lot to update you on… I’ve been slacking. But I don’t know how to lead into this, so shoot… I am so blown away/overwhelmed/grateful for the lord. It has been a hard journey, the last 4 months of my life have completely changed my whole plan… And to be honest, I am one that needs constant reassurance… I hate that about myself.

But In my weakness, He is made strong.

Let me tell you…. that is the truest verse. Because I do consider that a weakness, and It’s easy to think of Jesus having SO many bigger issues to handle, but then he takes me aside to a quite place in my madness and shows me the realness of himself. He shows me that he knows me uniquely.

I once heard That God doesn’t love us equally. And I was like what? (this guy must be a quack). but I learned it to be true. Because no one is the same. You don’t love your kids/dogs/friends the same either. You love them uniquely. God loves all of us, but He loves us differently, uniquely. 
Think about it, each relationship you have is different. you can’t always talk to each person the same. God knows me. More than anyone I have ever let in. And that is being proven every day of this, because he has shown me that he knows how to talk to me. He knows what I need. and how i need it. when i  need it. when to be harsh. when to be loving. He. Knows. ME. The real me!

….And he knows that I need that constant reassurance that I shouldn’t need… But he has given it to me many many many times, because he cares about my needs and my worries and my doubts. He cares about my heart. And it has taken getting to a broken place….(allowing myself to get to a broken place,,, as an independent strong willed slightly stubborn woman), to realize everything I have tried to put into a relationship, or person; the acceptance and constant reassurance I’ve needed, the fears of being left again, (I have wounds still from certain people leaving my life)… I had to get to a broken place to REALLY allow God in to see my insecurities, and be honest with myself about my issues. To get humble and allow Him to work on me. You hear people talking about that, “getting to rock bottom, and letting Jesus come in and restore…..” all the churchy words,,, (I’m not downplaying it by  any means. ) But I’ve thought I was there before. I thought I was at a place where “ok this is it, I’m giving myself over to the Lord because I NEED him.” But this is different. This is what I’ve been talking about. That “low” spot, but where you just feel the Lord’s love in a way you never thought possible. and it’s not that I”Need fixing”, It’s that I want God to grow me into more of a woman after his heart… So this is Love.

This isn’t a forced surrender. This is a loving surrender.  

Chapter 4: Job…Check

Since then, It’s just been so sweet and super amazing to watch God do all that he’s done!! Like WOW……. 

I went to Charlotte Nov 9th, 2019 for the 5K. For some reason I was super nervous. but I met a friend! He was so great, He gave me a list of “Where to”‘s! We’ve stayed in contact and he’s been super helpful with all of this! Also that weekend, Jordan and I went apartment shopping…… which was super frustrating because of the prices……. lol. For those of you who have never been to Charlotte, It is expensive………….

but after my own little pitty party, I got back with the Lord and realized, God wouldn’t lead me there to be homeless! haha  (Fingers Crossed..) and i’m totally up for/expecting him to do amazing things that I cannot even imagine. So if that means someones mother in law suite at the last minute than heck ya!! Or Whatever!!

Learning to wait and be patient is an everyday struggle. But that’s what he’s teaching me to do. That’s what I am horrible at doing haha. LET ME TEEELLL you,,, He is SO patient with me, because I mean like, every day!!! I doubt and try to take it into my own hands again. and EVERY day, He’s like “now Dannie…what did we talk about…remember what I have done for you… Remember who I am, and just let it go. You said ‘Yes’ to me, so mean it!” And i’m like, Jesus, you are so right. I don’t even deserve all of this. You are so so good. Gotta Check myself. lol  ……….


So, November 11th I had my interview and I mean, I had COMPLETE Jesus peace. I wasn’t nervous at all. (Which again, if you know me, that is WAY out of character for a thing like this. It was ALL the Lord). I went in and had a conversation with my (Soon to be) boss, and it was such a great experience. Then I got to meet alllll the girls in multiple different peer interviews! Everyone that I met talked to me, challenged me, tried to get to know me, and made me feel welcomed. It just felt like the right place for me. and I’m all about this new challenge. I love to continue to excel in my work place. I’m so scared and so excited! but it is also bittersweet because I’m leaving so much here, my people, friends, family, my childhood, and my comfort…

Lord, I told you yes. and You have been SO faithful and compassionate toward me. I don’t know why you want me here, but I will choose to trust you…everyday…even when everything in me is fighting you…. Lord, your vision is SO much bigger than mine, So even if this isn’t for me, I’m excited! Even if its for one person, one family, one doggie, anything. I trust you. My new prayer, (along with job, friend, church, home, vet) is Lord, give me your vision. I want my heart and my vision for this move to match up with your heart and your vision. I want to see what you see and feel what you feel. Lets make this story and move more about you and less about me. Forgive me for trying to take the reigns all the time. and for being kinda sorta obsessed with “Maybe my husband is in Charlotte”…. Like, Come on dan…Get over yourself… (I mean, if you want to do that, I’d be totally down,) but more importantly,

I want your vision for this move. and I know you will make it known.

I Love you Lord, Amen.

Chapter 3: I’m Moving!!

Soooo, after I said “Yes” to the Lord, it was like boom boom boom!! And I knew I wasn’t supposed to just visit…

I looked up the hospitals in Charlotte. And one in particular caught my eye. I researched a lot about them including their own About us page. They mentioned giving spiritual care and giving hope to everyone on their page! They have 3 helicopter pads. They have the level 1 trauma center. And children’s hospital attached. And level 4 NICU (top level neonatal intensive care unit). They do ECMO. They have high risk labor and delivery. And they’re a part of so much more awesome stuff!
So it would be a huggggeeee challenge and a lot sicker/more intense patients.
They also do INTRAUTERINE FETAL SURGERIES. crazy. I’m drooling.

So many lives saved!!! So many life altering stories and regained purpose! So many challenges for me as a person and in my nursing abilities. So many saved lives!!! So many Miracles!!

I am so excited!!! (also very terrified) But I can’t wait to learn!

😍

So then I called HR. And got a new grad nurse recruiter email. I felt dumb, so I asked my nursing teacher if nurse recruiters were only for new grads because that’s the only one the HR lady told me. And she said no they’re for everyone. So I emailed them and said I had 2 years experience and all that and asked for a contact for a nurse recruiter.
And then they responded like SUPER quick. We emailed back and forth that day and they got the info they needed to tell me who I needed to talk to. And then they forwarded my info to the nurse recruiter that I needed.

____________________________________________________________________

My recruiter, who by the way had the same last name as me, emailed me on September 27th, 2019 and asked about me, what I was interested in, and if we could talk on the phone soon!

So when I woke up that night (I worked the night before), I responded to her email. She called me Monday October 2nd! We got on the phone and she asked about me, my experience, what I was looking for, and all of that.

And then she asked “why Charlotte?”
So I though…..this is it!! This Could either make or break it! I was nervous!

I began to tell her the short story about God calling me there.
And we ended up having an amazing conversation where she gave me a pep talk about Jesus! I cannot believe that I was having a conversation with her like this!!!! a Nurse recruiter that I didn’t even know! Blown away. And crying on the phone with her!! (She didn’t know I was crying of course…) but I was sitting on the floor in my living room just BLOWN away that Jesus would give me this conversation and confirmation. It was like he was telling me “See?! So many cool things are about to happen around you. You said ‘Yes’ to me, Trust me!! Because I have this already worked out for you. ” And I’m sitting there in awe completely caught off guard by how good He is to me…

So then she asked me for my resume and she was going to send it to the hiring manager at the women’s services.
So the next morning October 3rd at 0830 am I emailed my resume to her.
And went to bed. (I had just gotten home from work where I had people looking at it and proof reading it.)
At 0945 am I woke up to my phone vibrating (which I normally never wake up to!) I sleepily look at my phone and a “Charlotte NC” number was calling me!
I had to clear my voice and get my “awake” voice on haha. I was still a little disoriented. (you know when you get woken up from a dead sleep…) Lol. Anyways, I answered it and it was the hiring manager for the Woman’s services!!! WHAT?! SO SOON?!?

😳
😍
😬
😮

She said they just sent her my resume and she thought she’d give me a call! She asked about me, my experience, what was hardest part for me at my job, and basically had a phone interview!!
Then she asked if I was looking at other cities or for sure on Charlotte. And I laughed a little and told her that it was a bit of a God story and that I was definitely coming to Charlotte.
Then she asked if I was visiting anytime soon? I told her I had just signed up for a 5K in November! Going to be Friday-Monday!
And she said “ok well let’s try to get you up to see the unit, meet some people, and do a formal interview!”
Y’ALL!!! ONCE AGAIN! SO BLOWN AWAY!!!!! WHAT JUST HAPPENED..
I told her that would be amazing and that I was so thankful she was giving me this opportunity! I was still nervous though because my lease wasn’t up until May 1st. So I wouldn’t be able to move until at least April. I talked to her about it, and asked if I should wait to start the process because it is so far out! She said “yeah. That is a long time out. But, I think we can make this one work! Let’s get you on the unit!”

😮
🙊
😍

So we found a date of November 11th at noon! WHATTTTT!!! ❤

So I started praying for a job, a church, a home, a vet, and a friend.

Well, the next day,

  1. My sweet friend Leanna walked up to me and told me something about Charlotte on her facebook.
  2. I got a fortune cookie that night that said “You are soon going to change your present line of work” !!!!!!! WHAT hahaha
  3. I got a facetime call from my girl Camille! She had run into a friend at a wedding and he lived near Charlotte and Loved Jesus!! So she was like “Y’all have to meet!” and I was like whoa…..what are the odds.. haha

He asked me to coffee and Camille changed it up and we went on a double date to breakfast. Our conversation was so full of Jesus!! We talked for hours! and He asked about why I was moving to Charlotte, and he wanted the long story… lol…

I left that breakfast date SO in love with the Lord!!! It was weird, and unlike any date I had ever been on. I loved my time with that guy, but when I left, I wasn’t really thinking about him- I was just thinking about how amazing Jesus is! How I was praying for a friend! and more Charlotte signs, and how much God KNOWS me and LOVES me and CARES about what the desires of my heart and my worries! and REALLY TRULY is taking care of me…. and proving to me that I CAN TRUST HIM. I can. Really.
So Just Super Awesome!! God is Good… Like wow… Such a “God thing”… He heard me… he heard my prayers… and He cares…and He’s working on it!

💓
💓
💓

Sooooooooooo. I’m moving to Charlotte, North Carolina. haha

And Y’all, I just want to tell you, God can talk to you anyway he wants to! Each of you have your own unique relationship with our sweet Jesus. Yours doesn’t have to look like someone else’s to be ‘legit’. He loves each of you uniquely! and because he knows you, he talks to you differently than he talks to others. For example: children.. you can’t talk to me the same way you talk to my sisters. We are different people and respond differently to different speech and tones. So in the same way, God knows you! and talks to you differently! and that is OK! Allow him to talk to you in anyway he wants! Fortune cookies included! haha ask for discernment for hearing him. He’ll give it to you.

My prayer for you is that you will learn to hear his voice and embrace his words. Allowing yourself to be loved by him in a new way. ❤

Amen.

Chapter 2: Life and Letting Go

Back to reality! I got home from this amazing trip and I was on that Jesus high ya know. This experience changed my life, my faith, and my self!

Back in Birmingham, I always kind of felt like “what’s next”. I didn’t feel “settled” so to speak. And one of my many flaws is always looking for the next thing.

But While I was in Charlotte, I pictured myself living there, so when I got back to real life I was sad that I even felt like I needed to leave in the first place! I love my family here; work family, blood family, friends that are family, my best friends, the place where I grew up, and my memories.

So I told God Thank you for that trip and how awesome it was, how close we got! However, I think I’ll stay put for awhile. Oh, but the Charlotte signs never stopped…

I went through so many changes that next year. Physically, I hit my low point- I was 151 pounds and at the Cardiologist for heart palpitations and shortness of breath! I was 24. Scary is an understatement of what I was feeling. I used that to propel myself into a better lifestyle! So in a few months I was the best me I had ever met- physically.

I stated dating. LOL…

I quickly got consumed with this built up relationship in my head instead of the reality. He was beautiful, brave, smart, talented, older, and I changed so much of what I wanted in life to match a life with him. I let go of a lot of things that make me, me, that I didn’t realize until the healing process began. And It was my own doings. One of the hardest things for me is dealing with idolizing marriage. I desire to be a wife and a mom. SO MUCH. and as you can tell from my previous writings, I like knowing. The control of knowing where my life will end up is what I trick myself into believing that I need. But that’s just it, a trick! I don’t need that. Actually, when my plan goes a different route than I wanted, (i.e. God’s way), it ends up 100% better than I could have ever made possible!

Think back on your memories where your plan didn’t happen, and you’re in a panic, running around going crazy trying to fix it, put it together, and when its over, and all the dust settles, you look at how Good God is. Because It all worked out better than you hoped! maybe not in the moment, but in the end! “Everything happens for a reason.” and “All good gifts come from above.”

Anyways, I fell into a slump in the next few months. I lost myself. I was dealing with depression, again, not wanting to be here, scary thoughts, not able to stay by myself alone, and hormone imbalances. I have a condition called polycystic ovarian syndrome. So I deal with hormones! and let me tell you, they can get crazy! I scheduled a doctors appointment and cried the whole entire time. She is an amazing doctor and has been through so much with me! She helped me tremendously! She changed my birth control (part of my hormone treatment) and started me on antidepressants.

That was a HUGE blow to my pride. I was always the “Happy kid” growing up. so when depression set in in college I built up confusion, guilt, and pride. But I was also very scared, I knew the rabbit hole, I’ve been there before, so I decided to trust my doctor.

The medicine made me feel so weird for 2 weeks. I was dizzy and like watching myself in a movie. I called the nurse so many times to make sure it was ok, but after the initial 2 weeks, I was Fine. More than Fine. I was happy. I was myself? That I could hardly remember! It took the high anxiety and low depression off. And then I started feeling myself again. More than I have in years! I didn’t realize how long I had been struggling!

In the middle of the 2 weeks my relationship ended. I was really hurt. For awhile actually. Which is me being vulnerable with you, because once again, pride… This one hurt. But in the healing, I found the Lord again. It was the sweetest way to come back. I know that sounds strange because we’re talking about a breakup and depression, but you know when people talk about running into God’s open arms. That. That was this. In those still moments of brokenness with him, he lovingly showed me who I am again. This is that unconditional part of his love.

When I think of my wrongs, I know I don’t deserve half of the grace that He’s given me. But that’s the difference between him and I. Between human and God. He doesn’t change. His love for me doesn’t change. His love for You doesn’t change.. That’s so unfathomable to our minds because when you wrong someone bad enough, its over! But not for God-Because it has already been paid for. When Jesus died for it all. And actually writing this helps me understand it all the more. That unconditional love that is unlike anything else. My prayer for you is to feel that closeness to the Lord, where you KNOW you are loved by him in the deepest way. You may have heard this before: “The devil knows your name yet calls you by your sin. But God knows your sin, yet calls you by your Name.” (Quote by Ricardo Sanchez.) Because that’s who you are!!!


The healing process was a long one. And I had many more sweet breakdowns with the Lord. I was starting to know him in a new way. And don’t you worry! The Charlotte signs never stopped. I started getting frustrated with the Lord to be honest. I had asked “What does this mean?!” sooo many times over the years… So here I am, praying again like GOD WHAT DOES THIS MEAN! Since it’s been 2 years now.
And nothing. I “needed” to know what It all meant. Did he want me to visit again? Did I need to move? Is this even for me? Why are you not telling me Lord? This isn’t fun..

Welllll
My sister randomly sent me a video of 3 worship songs with talking and prayer in between. And one guy was telling about the vision he had of this water parting. He was asking God over and over and over “what does this meannnn?!” And silence. Then he was brought to a place where he finally said Ok! Ok, I don’t have to know. I don’t have to have to know all the answers. I just have to trust the one who does!!!!

💓

So then the water explodes!
And he said it was like God was telling him finally! Just trust me! And the Holy Spirit exploded In him! (The water)
So Y’ALL! I was boohoo crying! Like ugly girl crying. Because that’s where I was!!! EXACTLY. To a T!
Asking over and over and over and over and overrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr and nothinggggggg for 2 years.
In that moment I told the Lord “ok Lord! I see what you’ve been trying to get me to understand for all these years!! I don’t have to know! I don’t have to have the control! I give up on knowing and having to have control. And I trust you! You ARE good! and you have been my constant! You know the plans you have for me! they are good for me! You already have them in place! So why not trust the one who knows my future! And you Love me, So I know you have what’s best for me! And I’m saying YES! Yes to you! Yes To whatever you want! That’s terrifying! Oh my Gosh! But here we go! Just lemeeee know what you want to do.. because I’m in. Help me everyday… ”

#gulp

Changed. The realness of that conversation with the Lord brings a smile to my face looking back. I want to encourage you to pray real. God knows how you feel already, so don’t bring a fake face into your conversations with him. Be real. Be Honest. I am so thankful that He brought me there. It was a hard place, but in that moment, was the most freedom I have ever EVER felt. and Trust. and Peace.

This is the link to the video if you want to live it out yourself! I encourage you to do so! I just paraphrased. I’m telling you, this was the scariest step, but the greatest thing I have ever done was say Yes to my Jesus.
https://youtu.be/YPyfTjgB_0k

This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

Jeremiah 29:10-13