Chapter 2: Life and Letting Go

Back to reality! I got home from this amazing trip and I was on that Jesus high ya know. This experience changed my life, my faith, and my self!

Back in Birmingham, I always kind of felt like “what’s next”. I didn’t feel “settled” so to speak. And one of my many flaws is always looking for the next thing.

But While I was in Charlotte, I pictured myself living there, so when I got back to real life I was sad that I even felt like I needed to leave in the first place! I love my family here; work family, blood family, friends that are family, my best friends, the place where I grew up, and my memories.

So I told God Thank you for that trip and how awesome it was, how close we got! However, I think I’ll stay put for awhile. Oh, but the Charlotte signs never stopped…

I went through so many changes that next year. Physically, I hit my low point- I was 151 pounds and at the Cardiologist for heart palpitations and shortness of breath! I was 24. Scary is an understatement of what I was feeling. I used that to propel myself into a better lifestyle! So in a few months I was the best me I had ever met- physically.

I stated dating. LOL…

I quickly got consumed with this built up relationship in my head instead of the reality. He was beautiful, brave, smart, talented, older, and I changed so much of what I wanted in life to match a life with him. I let go of a lot of things that make me, me, that I didn’t realize until the healing process began. And It was my own doings. One of the hardest things for me is dealing with idolizing marriage. I desire to be a wife and a mom. SO MUCH. and as you can tell from my previous writings, I like knowing. The control of knowing where my life will end up is what I trick myself into believing that I need. But that’s just it, a trick! I don’t need that. Actually, when my plan goes a different route than I wanted, (i.e. God’s way), it ends up 100% better than I could have ever made possible!

Think back on your memories where your plan didn’t happen, and you’re in a panic, running around going crazy trying to fix it, put it together, and when its over, and all the dust settles, you look at how Good God is. Because It all worked out better than you hoped! maybe not in the moment, but in the end! “Everything happens for a reason.” and “All good gifts come from above.”

Anyways, I fell into a slump in the next few months. I lost myself. I was dealing with depression, again, not wanting to be here, scary thoughts, not able to stay by myself alone, and hormone imbalances. I have a condition called polycystic ovarian syndrome. So I deal with hormones! and let me tell you, they can get crazy! I scheduled a doctors appointment and cried the whole entire time. She is an amazing doctor and has been through so much with me! She helped me tremendously! She changed my birth control (part of my hormone treatment) and started me on antidepressants.

That was a HUGE blow to my pride. I was always the “Happy kid” growing up. so when depression set in in college I built up confusion, guilt, and pride. But I was also very scared, I knew the rabbit hole, I’ve been there before, so I decided to trust my doctor.

The medicine made me feel so weird for 2 weeks. I was dizzy and like watching myself in a movie. I called the nurse so many times to make sure it was ok, but after the initial 2 weeks, I was Fine. More than Fine. I was happy. I was myself? That I could hardly remember! It took the high anxiety and low depression off. And then I started feeling myself again. More than I have in years! I didn’t realize how long I had been struggling!

In the middle of the 2 weeks my relationship ended. I was really hurt. For awhile actually. Which is me being vulnerable with you, because once again, pride… This one hurt. But in the healing, I found the Lord again. It was the sweetest way to come back. I know that sounds strange because we’re talking about a breakup and depression, but you know when people talk about running into God’s open arms. That. That was this. In those still moments of brokenness with him, he lovingly showed me who I am again. This is that unconditional part of his love.

When I think of my wrongs, I know I don’t deserve half of the grace that He’s given me. But that’s the difference between him and I. Between human and God. He doesn’t change. His love for me doesn’t change. His love for You doesn’t change.. That’s so unfathomable to our minds because when you wrong someone bad enough, its over! But not for God-Because it has already been paid for. When Jesus died for it all. And actually writing this helps me understand it all the more. That unconditional love that is unlike anything else. My prayer for you is to feel that closeness to the Lord, where you KNOW you are loved by him in the deepest way. You may have heard this before: “The devil knows your name yet calls you by your sin. But God knows your sin, yet calls you by your Name.” (Quote by Ricardo Sanchez.) Because that’s who you are!!!

The healing process was a long one. And I had many more sweet breakdowns with the Lord. I was starting to know him in a new way. And don’t you worry! The Charlotte signs never stopped. I started getting frustrated with the Lord to be honest. I had asked “What does this mean?!” sooo many times over the years… So here I am, praying again like GOD WHAT DOES THIS MEAN! Since it’s been 2 years now.
And nothing. I “needed” to know what It all meant. Did he want me to visit again? Did I need to move? Is this even for me? Why are you not telling me Lord? This isn’t fun..

Welllll
My sister randomly sent me a video of 3 worship songs with talking and prayer in between. And one guy was telling about the vision he had of this water parting. He was asking God over and over and over “what does this meannnn?!” And silence. Then he was brought to a place where he finally said Ok! Ok, I don’t have to know. I don’t have to have to know all the answers. I just have to trust the one who does!!!!

So then the water explodes!
And he said it was like God was telling him finally! Just trust me! And the Holy Spirit exploded In him! (The water)
So Y’ALL! I was boohoo crying! Like ugly girl crying. Because that’s where I was!!! EXACTLY. To a T!
Asking over and over and over and over and overrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr and nothinggggggg for 2 years.
In that moment I told the Lord “ok Lord! I see what you’ve been trying to get me to understand for all these years!! I don’t have to know! I don’t have to have the control! I give up on knowing and having to have control. And I trust you! You ARE good! and you have been my constant! You know the plans you have for me! they are good for me! You already have them in place! So why not trust the one who knows my future! And you Love me, So I know you have what’s best for me! And I’m saying YES! Yes to you! Yes To whatever you want! That’s terrifying! Oh my Gosh! But here we go! Just lemeeee know what you want to do.. because I’m in. Help me everyday… ”

#gulp

Changed. The realness of that conversation with the Lord brings a smile to my face looking back. I want to encourage you to pray real. God knows how you feel already, so don’t bring a fake face into your conversations with him. Be real. Be Honest. I am so thankful that He brought me there. It was a hard place, but in that moment, was the most freedom I have ever EVER felt. and Trust. and Peace.

This is the link to the video if you want to live it out yourself! I encourage you to do so! I just paraphrased. I’m telling you, this was the scariest step, but the greatest thing I have ever done was say Yes to my Jesus.
https://youtu.be/YPyfTjgB_0k

This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

Jeremiah 29:10-13